How do you grow during life changes? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m getting ever closer to the big 4-0, yikes! For some of us it does make you start to look over your life, where you are, where you are going, your children, relationships, I could go on. Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be about how I am going out and trading in the minivan for a Porsche. This is more about encouraging all of us to become our better selves when faced with change.
I went out for drinks with a good friend last week. I knew this spring had been tough. She is a mom of 3 and her second child was graduating. Despite her being very proud of her eldest for moving out of state with their career, something about her second child graduating was sending her into a tail spin. One she didn’t see coming. Even though she is a mom that feels her duty as a parent is to help guide her children to a path of independent, she was anxious and depressed. It was affecting her marriage and friendships. When she couldn’t figure out why she was feeling depressed and anxious she made an appointment with her counselor. With the help of her counselor she discovered the root of her anxiety and depression was not only due to her impending empty nesting, but she needed to say “No” more often. Also, She and her husband needed to find out who they are now as a couple, without children.
She said it all made sense. “No” was not something she said enough. She genuinely likes to help people but she takes on too much and it starts to fatigue her. So she has started to use her voice and implement boundaries for herself. When she feels guilty, she reminds herself that it is not selfish to practice self care. If she does not take care of herself she cannot be there for herself or her family, let alone friends. Unfortunately, her new-found voice has been met with resistance by some people. They aren’t yet comfortable with her new boundaries. But guess what? That’s OK, because she, her family, and her counselor are comfortable with her boundaries. It is alleviating her anxiety!
Her counselor helped her to see that she and her husband were at a new place in their marriage too. She had been a single mom when they married. They added a child to their family within a year of their marriage. They have never known each other without children! When they dated, she had a child. They did not have the typical dating relationship that so many of us take for granted. In fact, they had not given much thought to their nontraditional courting. However, once the kids were not the large focus of their day, the cracks in their relationship foundation started to show. With her counselor’s help, her husband’s open mind and willingness, they are dating again. They have always prioritized Friday date nights, but these are taking on a whole new meaning. They are in marriage counseling to help them with this new life change. This revelation of not having had the opportunity to experience traditional dating, the inability to know each other without children, was like a Duh moment for them both. For me too when she told me. It all made sense.
For my friend, forming a relationship with her husband where it truly is just the two of them and embracing boundaries is alleviating her depression and anxiety. She is embracing her life change, growing stronger as a person, and experiencing more emotional freedom.
My Aunt is two years into the empty nest faze of life. She and my uncle are adventurous and fun. On a recent visit, she shared that they have tried to do more things together, like spending time in their orchard, hosting dinner parties there, learning a new hobby together like bee keeping. During this conversation she said something that I found to be so poignant. She said that this phase of life is a good time to seize the opportunity of getting to know your partner again. She continued, you can decide to grow together or grow apart.
Life changes can be a time of self discovery, renewal, and revitalization in our relationships. Maybe we will need outside guidance to see the light in the darkness. We may need someone to help us out of our cocoon. That’s OK! Then there are those of us who will see the path without much guidance, and that’s OK too. I encourage all of us to try to become people that bravely embrace personal change. Personal change can be the opportunity we need to create even better relationships. It can be the push we have wanted to become an even better version of ourselves. Let’s embrace this opportunity to grow.